ABOUT
Once
trust fund punks lose their savings they are reduced to riding a fixed
gear bike, the same means of travel they had when they were in middle
school. Their current bike build is actually less sophisticated than
the ones they grew up on, but hipsters will always sacrifice the
convenience of brakes for fashion.
One of the most pretentious
of all hipsters, fixies are primarily located in Williamsburg,
Portland, San Francisco and wherever else snobs congregate these days.
They tend to hang out at cafés, bike shops and anywhere else they can
turn their nose at other hipsters. Usually enrolled in some form of
printmaking or photography at their art school, the fixie spends more
time complaining about things rather than creating them.
One
should not confuse a nonathletic fixie with actual racers or bike
messengers. The latter can spot a fixed gear hipster from a block away,
recognizing their bike as just another fashion accessory until they
move onto the next trend. Usually a vegan, the street smart cyclist
weighs no more than 100 pounds when soaking wet and gets his sole
caloric intake from PBRs and plants.
A fixie longs for a Bianchi
Pista with drop handlebars but instead will custom order their ride
from Urban Outfitters using their employee discount. The Fixie likes to
tell everyone they are saving the world by having “one less car” but
ultimately they just can't afford one.
PLAYLIST
girl talk
ratatat
animal collective
freelance whales
grizzly bear
BOOKMARKS
http://www.fixedgeargallery/
http://www.hipsternascar.com/
http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/
ABOUT
By
far the smelliest of all the scenesters, the Crustpunk embodies the
D.I.Y. punk ethos with his nihilistic attitude and “freegan” diet.
Typically an extremely unkempt individual with patches and pins barely
holding together his soiled wardrobe, the Crustie goes months on end
without bathing, ensuring his unemployment.
When not attending
politically radical protests and Food Not Bombs events, the Crustie can
be found panhandling on city streets with his banjo and emaciated dog
at his side. Despite being anti-corporation, the majority of his
earnings goes towards beer. The Crustpunks are also anti-authority,
anti-work, anti-government, anti-religion, anti-showers, but are
somehow not anti-five-day-old-burrito in the Trader Joe's dumpster.
Even
though he lives a nomadic lifestyle squatting in abandoned buildings
and train-hopping, the Crustie never strays too far from home.
Eventually he'll need to hit up mom and dad in the suburbs for more
cash, so he can stay poor.
PLAYLIST
amebix
deviated instinct
doom
aus rotten
nausea
BOOKMARKS
no wifi on freight trains or inside dumpsters.
ABOUT
Deep
seeded in 19th century Victorian fashion combined with a western sci-fi
twist, the Steampunk tries his best to resemble an extra from Will
Smith's The Wild Wild West. The Steampunk longs for a time where
technology was romanticized rather than mass manufactured. He scoffs at
the minimalism of homogenized modern devices and attempts to make them
his own.
Displaying an unhealthy fascination with steam, valves
and gears, the Steampunk will spend hours in his workshop crafting
accessories for his wardrobe. Custom timepieces, goggles and Nerf guns
are often overly customized to the point that they obscure the item's
original purpose. Modern day electronic devices are modified to look
like rusted antiques. Outside of Flava Flav, no one displays clocks as
proudly and prominently as this dapper gentleman.
When not
spending time reading the works of HG Wells and Jules Verne on his
brass encased iPad, the Steampunk can be found attending various
conventions and ballroom dances devoted to his fantasy world. The
preferred method of transportation to these events is via zeppelin or
steam engine, but most end up using the city bus.
One can say
that Steampunk is "What the past would look like if the future had
happened sooner" but the reality is that Steampunk is what happens when
Goths discover the color brown.
PLAYLIST
abney park
dr. steel
vernian process
BOOKMARKS
http://www.steampunktribune.com/
http://www.steampunkworkshop.com/
http://www.steampunk.com/
ABOUT
The
Nintendocore fan refuses to let go of the video games from his youth,
however, his dedication leaves him trapped in an 8-bit world in his
parents basement without a warp pipe to escape.
This old
school cellar dweller won't touch a controller that has more than two
buttons, even after all of his friends and game developers themselves,
have abandoned ship. Don't ask these retro gamers to share their
joypad, old titles were rarely multiplayer and you can bet his social
skills are lacking because of it. Time away from his console is usually
spent rereading back issues of Nintendo Power or soldering old RF
cables together. The music in his playlist consists entirely of
instruments from the nintendo universe, such as a hacked Game Boy,
Mario Paint and songs he's composed on his Ocarina iPhone app.
If
this pixel pusher ever has a problem operating something, he will
attempt to fix it in the only way he knows how: flip it over, flick it
with his pointer finger, then blow in it. This poor gamer suffers from
a chronic blistering “NES thumb” from endless Super Mario Brothers time
trials, but at least he's got a top rated YouTube video to show for it.
In the event that his current system fails him, he keeps an unopened
NES in a safety deposit box, courtesy of his parents.
The
Nintendocore fan dreams of one day becoming a game tester or perhaps
even a reviewer, however, after a 20 year 8-bit coma, adjusting to the
complex controllers of today is near impossible. He will eventually
follow his destiny, become a plumber and defend the original works of
Shigeru Miyamoto to his death.
PLAYLIST
anamanaguchi
minibosses
horse the band
crystal castles
sabrepulse
BOOKMARKS
http://www.infendo.com/
http://www.mega64.com/
http://www.reddit.com/
ABOUT
The
Screamolester is what happens when a sexually androgynous mutant with
mad rad hair attempts to make pop music but instead racks up a bunch of
statutory rape charges.
Often claiming to be a model or a
hairstylist, this ManGirlPig is nothing more than a beauty school
dropout with a vast collection of wigs, hair extensions and date rape
drugs. This ladyboy will spend hours raiding its mother's makeup
cabinet and kid sister's wardrobe in an attempt to look like a
combination of Hannah Montana and puke.
Buried beneath layers of
glam and glitter, it may be difficult to determine the gender of a
Screamolester. At first glance one might think they're looking at a
pudgy prepubescent girl but upon closer inspection the creature shows
itself to be a gender-bending 20-something-year-old guy, seeking out
pudgy tween girls.
Using it's electropop band as a lure for
naive underage females, it's somehow able to make them swoon with
lyrics that degrade women. Touring the country with other Pedo Bear
approved bands, it has an endless supply of unsuspecting victims to
choose from.
This predator has had more than a few run-ins with
the cyber police when trolling Stickam but eventually it's actions will
catch up to it and CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
PLAYLIST
botdf
teen hearts
boy talks trash
jeffree star
t. mills
BOOKMARKS
http://www.stickam.com/
http://www.tumblr.com/
http://www.twitter.com/
ABOUT
Often
considered the neon pink-headed step child of the goth community, the
over-the-top fashion of the Cybergoth is typically scoffed at by
traditional goths. Looking something like a mix of Rainbow Brite meets
The Matrix, they are by far one of the most flamboyant misfits of the
goth subculture.
The appearance of the Cybergoth actually has
nothing to do with the conventional gothic look, making them the very
antithesis of the scene. The Cybergoth will often start by dressing in
black but then over-accessorize with clashing neon color body mods, gas
masks, goggles and live LED circuit boards, none of which serve any
purpose whatsoever.
The key to being a pillar in the Cybergoth
community is having a custom hairpiece, otherwise known as dread falls.
This fake hair is typically ordered online and further customized from
objects found at yard sales. The end result are dreads made of
radioactive neon colors that look like something a unicorn might
defecate. These elaborate hairpieces are a true sign of allegiance to
their scene, much like a skinhead with a shaved head or an emo kid with
scarred wrists.
Rave, cyberpunk, rivethead and goth fashion all look ridiculous on their own but combined takes on a whole new level of fail.
PLAYLIST
angelspit
vnv nation
icon of coil
dawn of ashes
psyclon nine
BOOKMARKS
http://www.deviantart.com/
http://www.cyberdog.net/
http://www.vampirefreaks.com
ABOUT
The
Rockabilly lifestyle is generally what happens when punk scene veterans
suffer some sort of trauma in their late twenties. As a result, they
start believing they are the stars of a 1950's period piece, where they
can idealize aspects of a simpler time. The Rockabilly kids can be seen
attending retro car shows, drive-in movies and burlesque clubs.
The
Rockabilly male generally works a blue collar job, nine times out of
ten at an auto body shop restoring old cars. He longs for a '59
Cadillac but is seen shamefully driving his '91 Honda Civic. Other
potential jobs include sailor tattoo artist, stand up bass player, or
the role of Danny Zuko in the local theater production of Grease. The
majority of his paycheck goes towards industrial strength Pomade as he
spends hours crafting his magnificent pompadour and mutton chop
sideburns.
The Rockabilly female is a bizarre hybrid of Betty
Crocker and Bettie Page, trying to be part 50's housewife and part
pinup model. Much like her significant other, she swears she was born
in the wrong era but the classy Varga girls never covered their torsos
with meaningless tattoos. She'll take pole dancing classes in an
attempt to get in better shape for her burlesque troupe, but more often
than not falls into a “temporary” career as a stripper. June Cleaver
would not approve.
The Rockabilly couple are a clear example of
what happens when aging punks embrace Johnny Cash rather than Ed Hardy.
If at any time a Rockabilly individual adds coffins or zombies to their
repertoire, they can instantly morph into a Psychobilly.
PLAYLIST
the cramps
the stray cats
tiger army
buddy holly
the nekromantix
BOOKMARKS
http://www.ratfink.org
http://www.thepinupfiles.com
http://www.vivalasvegas.net
ABOUT
she's
the girl you see at all the "scene" shows, putting her chest piece
prominently on display for all her super-indie (see: pop-punk) friends
to admire. much like other scenesters, she is completely void of any
originality and bases her identity off of whatever she sees everyone
else doing.
she updates her livejournal on an hourly basis,
making sure to keep everyone informed about her ever-evolving and
always drama-filled relationships. speaking of boys, she only dates
ones with the exact same taste in music, because in the end isn't that
what matters most?
her jeans and cowboy shirts come directly
from urban outfitters, but when asked she'll tell you she can't stand
"that store." as for her hair color, it changes as quickly as her mood,
and trust me, that's fast!
need to find her late at night?
she'll more than likely be at the local underwear party- just look for
the girl with the poorly thought-out nautical stars tattooed in all the
right/wrong places
PLAYLIST
the blood brothers
taking back sunday
motion city soundtrack
thursday
cartel
BOOKMARKS
madradhair
livejournal
perezhilton
ABOUT
he's
prettier than your girlfriend, but don't let that limp wrist fool you-
this guy gets more ass than a toilet! girls love guys who can swing
microphones over their heads like a cowboy at a rodeo while holding his
other arm out like a t-rex.
even though he's founded a "screamo"
band with his christian friends from orlando, he thinks saetia is a
skin disease and that neil perry played dylan on 90210.
his skin-tight jeans don't allow a lot of room for breathing, but his girly figure doesn't require much anyway.
PLAYLIST
underoath
saosin
escape the fate
a static lullaby
emery
BOOKMARKS
http://www.tasteofchaos.com/
http://www.afflictionclothing.com/
http://www.ridetherockett.com/
ABOUT
just
when you think things couldn’t get much worse than electro-ska, black
polka metal, or christian punk, the crunkcore scene comes along and
makes everything else look perfectly acceptable.
the crunkcore
movement is one that seems to be a brilliant marketing strategy by some
sort of modern day lou pearlman who learned to tap into the brain of
misguided emo kids who don’t know where to turn. there is no way such a
genre would evolve organically, someone had to have made a conscious
marketing decision to create one of the worst crossover genres of all
time and throw it on myspace to see what happens.
to sum up the
stylings of crunkcore, it is a horrific combination of two genres that
were bastardized and declared dead several years ago, crunk and
screamo, only now with overtly sexual lyrics directed at 7th grade
girls. with that said, you can use the following recipe to create your
own crunkcore band…
2 ј cups t-pain vocoder
4 tablespoons of angst ridden white teenagers
2 sticks of bowel inducing screams
3 teaspoons of shuttershades
2 cups fake bling from vending machines
12 cups of lyrics that would give brian peppers douche chills
205,809 myspace friends
somewhere
on the back of the miley cyrus tour bus the guys in metro station are
thanking their lucky stars that bands like brokencyde came along. the
crunkcore wave is to dance pop what 9/11 was to gary condit and his
missing intern.
PLAYLIST
brokencyde
dot dot curve
breathe carolina
millionaires
3oh!3
BOOKMARKS
http://www.myspace.com/breaksilencerecordings
http://www.myspace.com/crunkkids
http://www.last.fm/tag/crunkcore
ABOUT
here
is your quintessential male scenester. an unlikely mish-mash of every
subgenre of the current underground music scene, this guy has something
for everyone! from his hip graphic tees, down to his extremely snug
girls jeans, he garners the attention of all the ladies at the local
vfw shows.
he gets his makeup tips from the best of 'em,
including gerard way and brendan urie, two pioneers in the guyliner
scene. his parents question his choice of hairstyle, but he assures
them he's just "expressing himself."
despite listening to pop
music written for the radio, he will be the first to denounce a band
the second they catch the slightest break. the same kid declaring bands
as sellouts is the same kid working at walmart.
even though his
sense of style nor the bands he listens to should be considered "emo"
in the traditional sense, he is exactly what the media would paint as
its emo posterchild.
somewhere jeremy engik and guy picciotto are shaking their heads.
PLAYLIST
say anything
circa survive
new found glory
saves the day
chiodos
BOOKMARKS
http://www.absolutepunk.net/
http://purevolume.com/charts/
http://www.virb.com/
ABOUT
Looking
something like a mix of Pocahontas and a tornado at a thrift store, the
Apple Store Indie is your typical #fauxhemian. Masking her love for
Steve Jobs products with whatever your blind grandma wore 40 years ago,
she blends in seamlessly with the rest of her contemporaries at All
Points West Festival.
Tweeting endlessly about nothing other
than questions to a fake Ezra Koenig account, her main source of news
is whatever happens to be a trending topic on twitter. Her iphone isn’t
just a means to tell people what type of sandwich she is eating, she
also uses it to cover Passion Pit’s “Sleepyhead” using only app store
instruments with her hipster friends.
Getting musical
recommendations from last.fm or whatever Jenny Eliscu and Jake
Fogelnest play on satellite radio, her entire “scene” seems to only
exist in digital format. The only physical music she owns are vinyl
hand me downs that serve as decorative filler for her Ikea Billy
bookshelf. She rarely if ever supports her local indie music scene
unless it is someone spinning records (see: itunes playlist) at a
scenester bar.
Unable to make sales of her diy junk through her
etsy store, she has set up shop at a number of craft fairs across the
tri state area. Unfortunately everyone else was selling the same trite
octopus necklaces, owl earrings and onesies she slapped together. Upset
with the lack of enthusiasm towards her creations, she will later blog
about it to an audience of spambots.
PLAYLIST
passion pit
vampire weekend
tokyo police club
ra ra riot
mgmt
BOOKMARKS
http://www.twitter.com/
http://www.macrumors.com/
http://www.etsy.com/
ABOUT
To
most thrash fans, the “big four” consists of Metallica, Megadeth,
Anthrax and Slayer. To the unsuspecting passerby of a thrash fan, the
“big four” consists of indescribable odor, questionable stains, yellow
teeth and unkempt lice infested hair.
No neo thrasher would be
complete without his “kutte” or “battlejacket” or “smelly vest with way
too many patches”. The kutte is the thrash equivalent of a TGI Fridays
waitress vest, the more flare the merrier. Spending endless hours
scouring ebay for patches and bedazzler replacement parts, he hardly
has any time at the end of the day to watch any of his 80’s VHS troma
movies. On a number of occasions his mother has snuck into his bedroom
in the basement in an attempt to febreze his beloved battlejacket, but
has ultimately failed as it seems he never removes the vile vest.
Stuck
without a job, a futon covered in beer cans, a Metallica with short
hair, a boom box that eats cassettes and a shower that hasn’t felt his
presence in months, the Neo Thrasher seems to be at his lowest.
Fortunately there is a kegger behind the abandoned gas station this
Friday.
PLAYLIST
municipal waste
toxic holocaust
testament
megadeth
anthrax
BOOKMARKS
doesn't have an internet connection
ABOUT
This
crescendo crazed composer is hard to define by looks alone. His
standard wear is so bleak and monochromatic that he could slip into any
room unnoticed. Unlike his contemporaries who welcome attention through
fashion, the Post Rocker would rather spend months alone in East
Hastings.
Most aren’t aware, but the good majority of Post
Rockers are actually mutes. Their lack of vocals are covered up by
songs consisting of long drawn out repetitive ethereal landscapes that
try to provide the soundtrack for a tour through Chernobyl. Midway
through most of their works you would wish you had radiation sickness
to end the monotonous torture.
The few who can speak are usually
tuneless band geeks who spend all day fooling around in Guitar Center
playing with delay pedals. Much like any song they craft, a
conversation with a Post Rocker can last 15 minutes and 38 seconds with
only about a minute of pretentious substance.
Bored with
conventional verse chorus verse rock and roll (see: emo), the Post
Rocker doesn’t have much time for a social life as band practice can
run a bit long, especially with each song clocking in at an average of
12 minute long.
PLAYLIST
explosionsinthesky
moving mountains
mono
mogwai
gy!be
BOOKMARKS
http://www.afterthepostrock.com/
http://www.thesilentballet.com/
http://www.postrocking.com/
ABOUT
Most
kids who are serious about Metal / Hardcore wouldn’t be where they are
without the works of bands such Black Flag, Bad Brains and Black
Sabbath. Nowadays, the frontrunners of metalcore wouldn’t be where they
are if Switchfoot, Five Iron Frenzy and DC Talk weren’t played at past
bible camp retreats.
In recent years religion has made its
presence felt in the metalcore scene moreso than ever before. In order
to avoid this trend make sure to keep a tally while listening to
current bands. If you hear the word “he” more than “she” then you are
either a) listening to bear force one or b) you might be being taken
advantage of by Jesus mind tricks. If you find yourself armed with a
hair straightener and a wardrobe of v-neck shirts you must immediately
listen to NOFX records for the next few hours to cleanse yourself from
this form of audio hypnosis.
Hardcore wouldn’t be what it is without some sense of passion, but passion about some fictional zombie?
PLAYLIST
underoath
norma jean
haste the day
august burns red
the chariot
BOOKMARKS
http://www.solidstaterecords.com/
http://www.metalforjesus.org/
http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/
ABOUT
with
a wardrobe that looks like it was donated to a thrift store by either
crosby, stills or nash in 1971 and a beard that has its own zip code,
this indie icon has a devout army of worshippers who follow his every
whispered word.
the lethargic lo-fi lethario is known to lock
himself in a cabin for months on end to craft minimalistic folksy
songs. by the end of his self-imposed exile, all he has produced is a
stream of hushed whispers with barely fingerpicked guitar strums. his
musical works are recommended by doctors as a suitable alternative for
ambien. in a matter of verses he could put down an army of mexican
wrestlers hopped up on redbull.
one might say his songs give them the chills, but that is only because they passed out listening and forgot to get a blanket.
PLAYLIST
iron and wine
bon iver
blitzen trapper
m. ward
jose gonzalez
BOOKMARKS
http://www.subpop.com/
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/
http://www.passingafternoon.com/
ABOUT
are
you “down with the clown”? his taste in music is about as painful to
listen to as it is to get powerbombed off a bus by mike awesome
(youtube it!), but the poor juggalo is too deluded to realize it.
he
blindly follows two middle-aged, talentless hacks who like to play
dress up- so he follows suit! buying into a merchandise empire bigger
and more self-indulgent than that of hannah montana, the sad clown
mindlessly purchases whatever icp sells… keychains, faygo soda, flags,
purses, lighters, and athletic gear that will never be put to use. with
his facepaint, lice-ridden goatee, coolio haircut, and outdated jnco
jeans, the juggalo often finds employment at gas stations and carnivals.
he
spends his minimum wages without a second thought at the annual
gathering of the juggalos. this is the only place he can find true
happiness amongst his brethren, whether it be at a psychopathic records
concert lineup or a jcw wrestling event. just watch out for the broken
light tubes and barbed wire.
PLAYLIST
insane clown posse
twizted
dark lotus
psychopathic rydas
blaze ya dead homie
BOOKMARKS
http://psychopathicrecords.com/
http://www.juggalowrestling.com/
http://www.hatchetgear.com/
http://juggalogathering.com/
ABOUT
armed
with his boots and braces, this working-class hero is ready for a fight
after a long night of sing alongs and pbr with his friends fred perry
and ben sherman.
your average skin has the “spirit of ‘69” front
to back multiple times and can recite any line from “romper stomper”
word for word without missing a beat, yet can’t seem to remember why he
has a black eye from the night before or who the byrd in his bed is.
unbeknownst
to most, not all skinheads are racist, but all of them happen to own
the entire skrewdriver discography, s.h.a.r.ps included. they’ll tell
you they like them “only for the music”. most find this excuse hard to
believe since there hasn’t been a single oi record released that
doesn’t sound like it was recorded anywhere but a toilet.
inevitably
all skins begin to save up their hard earned money to convert their
wardrobe over to all of the latest rockabilly gear as part of his
skinhead retirement plan. be sure to ditch that #1 crop trimmer for
some pomade, that pompadour is going to need some work!
PLAYLIST
agnostic front
the business
cocksparrer
the bruisers
combat 84
BOOKMARKS
http://www.styleof69.com/
http://www.skinheads.net/
http://www.tkorecords.com/
ABOUT
the
skramz subculture was thought to be created out of revolt of modern
corny bands such as a skylit drive, from first to last and alesana, but
that couldn’t be any further from the truth. as it turns out, it was
just a new name substituted for an existing musical genre that already
existed in “screamo”, but the skramz kids were in the fourth grade
during its heyday.
still playing catch up, the skramz revivalist
spends hours perusing the old cmhwak board via archive.org to try and
immerse himself in the once thriving post hardcore scene. unable to
access this so called skylab that so many posters seem to mention, the
revivalist has no other choice than to bootleg tees of defunct bands
via cafepress to try and impress other skramz purists. after studying
photos of billy werner from various angles, his tattoo sleeves look
just right and would fit in at any level plane records basement show
circa 2001.
unfortunately all of his favorite bands are either
long since broken up or french. luckily the language barrier isn’t a
big issue since the vocals usually sound like a strangled muppet having
an anxiety attack at 120 mph.
the skramz kid is living in the
past, but still holds out hope for a new circle takes the square album
as well as duke nukem forever sometime in the near future.
PLAYLIST
portraits of past
funeral diner
amanda woodward
jeromes dream
i hate myself
BOOKMARKS
http://links.screamo.org/main.html
http://www.last.fm/tag/skramz
http://www.alonerecords.com/
ABOUT
with
more gaudy accessories than a williamsburg thrift store, this gal uses
her daddy's credit card to stay hip! she is an art school dropout and
has no intention of furthering her education. rather, she aspires to
become a hairdresser one day; beauty school, here she comes! please
note: this will not actually happen.
her taste in music taste
changes based upon what's being spun at whatever club is trendy that
week. dance music is her absolute fave, but her friends have no idea
about her checkered past.
once a ska queen, she now works as
hard as she can to preserve her fashionable hipster image by mimicking
the incoming trends, and immediately ditches anything that might have
been cool two minutes ago. this behavior prevents her from forming any
individual identity whatsoever.
she aspires to work in the fashion industry, and she will- folding clothes at old navy for the rest of her life.
PLAYLIST
regina spektor
lady sovereign
peaches
depeche mode
new order
BOOKMARKS
http://www.lastnightsparty.com/
http://www.thecobrasnake.com/
http://www.freewilliamsburg.com/
http://www.viceland.com/
ABOUT
she
more closely resembles a warrior from mortal kombat than an actual
human being. tattoos cover every inch of her body, facial piercings
obscure her features, and the subdermal brass knuckle implant wards off
anyone who doesn't take the body mod lifestyle seriously. small
children burst into tears when she walks by, and aunt beverly has
trouble recognizing her at family reunions.
yes, she might look
like something out of hellraiser, but that doesn't stop her from posing
nude at suicidegirls.com. thank god for the altporn audience, because
no one in the "real world" would hire her- not even the local gas
station.
as soon as she gets her first sg paycheck, she's rushing out to get that earth crisis facial tattoo she's always wanted.
PLAYLIST
converge
the locust
pg 99
his hero is gone
tragedy
BOOKMARKS
http://www.bmezine.com/
http://www.suicidegirls.com/
skylab (rip)
http://www.peta.com/
ABOUT
here
is “a message to you rudy”- give it up! although most of his favorite
bands have ditched their brass sections for screaming and tight pants,
the ska kid holds true to his checkered past.
there are still
two-tone armies skanking the night away, though, to the tune of
washed-up bands all across the united states. gone are the days when
ska bands lived the high life in big-name clubs. nowadays, the ska kids
flock to sweaty vfw halls and teen centers.
the rude boy was
never good at any sports, so instead he opted to join the marching band
which, incidentally, led to the formation of his own group. the band
enjoyed their biggest success at a recent high school battle of the
bands, where they showcased their originality by covering the reel big
fish cover of a-ha’s “take on me”.
the majority of ska kid’s
funds go towards the repair of his vespa, which he totalled after
spilling his pez while speeding. someday the ska kid might be able to
afford the fred perry and ben sherman gear he so covets, but for now
the hawaiian shirts from goodwill will have to do.
this kid seems to have missed the memo about ska being dead; one can only assume he forgot to “pick it up!”
PLAYLIST
big d
streetlight manifesto
mustard plug
oskama bin laden
bomb the music industry!
BOOKMARKS
http://www.skaisdead.com/
http://www.skasummit.com/
http://www.asianmanrecords.com/
ABOUT
oi! this reject attempts to relive the spirit of ‘77 but, alas, was born in ‘91.
as
a lover of music that revolves around the poor and working class, it
only seems fitting that this street punk resides with his parents in
their greenwich, ct mcmansion.
like most in his scene, he
doesn’t know the first thing about politics aside from what his father
brings to the dinner table. he has a strong stance against fascism,
racism and sexism even though he has no idea what any of those terms
truly mean. this punk firmly believes in anarchy, but this does not
stop him from posting all day on the rupert-murdoch-owned myspace.com.
although
his lifestyle may seem to embrace rebellion and individuality, the
pseudo-punk spends plenty of time ensuring that his leather jacket is
adorned with enough studs and patches to look just like those of his
friends. he claims to be ambivalent about what anyone thinks of his
looks, but he will go out of his way to put elmers glue and five cans
of hairspray into his liberty spikes so they can stand as tall as
possible.
when asked about his fashion, he will firmly attest
that clothing does not define a punk. rather, the offbeat form of dress
is simply a sign that encourages unity and deflects negative nuisances-
which is, ironically, how everyone else views them.
PLAYLIST
the casualties
the unseen
the exploited
lower class brats
sham69
BOOKMARKS
http://www.punkcore.com/
http://www.chargedrecords.com/
http://www.punkutopia.com/
ABOUT
For
the most part, Crabcore is an offshoot of Christcore, with similar
hairstyles, v-necks, tight pants and religious beliefs. It appears the
only difference between the two (besides excessive vocoder usage,
eurodance beats and unnecessary breakdowns every 30 seconds) is that
followers of the crabcore persuasion will squat like a girl taking a
piss in the woods during their power stances.
Much like the
locomotion, macarena, watusi, cabbage patch, mashed potato, and even
the urkel, the crabcore craze will be over sooner than it started.
Ripped denim crotches everywhere are thankful.
PLAYLIST
attack! attack!
not much else.
BOOKMARKS
http://allrecipes.com/Recipes/Seafood/Shellfish/Crab/Main.aspx
http://www.iwannaknow.org/crabs.html
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/27/crabs.memorypain/index.html
ABOUT
this
bro has gone through every possible scene phase in the past few years,
so he reverts back to hip hop- which he vaguely remembers being cool in
fourth grade. signs of his previous flings with the "scene" are still
apparent in his plugs, hidden tattoos and the swoop haircut that
resides under his fitted cap.
inspired by icons such as pharrel
and jay z, the faux hip-hopper runs his own urban streetwear line that
mainly consists of googled images and all-over gold leaf printing.
references to drugs, pop culture, and blatantly copyrighted images are
a must.
he proudly displays his $800 bape hoodie which is,
unbeknownst to him, a fake. his shop of choice is karmaloop.com, and
frequently spends way more than he is worth on limited-edition nike
dunks.
although he favors hip hop and lists his ethnicity as
"of african descent" on myspace, he resides somewhere in portland and
plays drums for a metalcore band. to make things worse, the faux
hip-hop scenester doesn't know a single black person and fears for his
life when one enters the room.
PLAYLIST
pharrel
throwdown
lcd soundsystem
norma jean
jay z
BOOKMARKS
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/
http://www.buddyhead.com/
http://www.thefader.com/
ABOUT
in
a scene flooded with jet-black hair, piercings, and eyeliner, this
spunky dude is a breath of fresh air. unfortunately for him, he looks
just as silly as his contemporaries and appears to be suffering from an
even worse identity crisis.
one could argue that he might be
the male equivalent of rainbow brite. his wardrobe primarily consists
of brightly-colored american apparel products. this might be acceptable
and even cute for a teenage girl, but for a 20-something guy with hairy
legs? this is a problem.
it doesn't stop there! he appears to be
reliving his childhood; he embraces nostalgia in the form of retro
video games, ninjas, robots, dinosaurs, 80's icons, and anything with a
moog synthesizer.
despite his uber flamboyant appearance, his
nostalgic tendencies, and his dedication to pop-punk prepackaged for
preteens, he does have one masculine quality: a crush on paramore's
lead singer, hayley williams.
sadly, she is nine years his junior.
PLAYLIST
hello goodbye
cobra starship
boys like girls
all time low
farewell
BOOKMARKS
http://www.americanapparel.net/
http://www.thedailychorus.com/
http://www.glamourkills.com/
ABOUT
this
utterly useless scene queen is internet-famous for no apparent reason
other than the fact that she looks like a clown and is as naive as she
is colorful.
she claims that she invented fashion trends like
stripes and becomes furious if anyone “steals” her hairstyle or any of
her other patented looks. making it a point to hunt down anyone who has
a similar style and subsequently spending countless hours chastising
others, she still can't help but wonder why she only has friends in the
online world.
the scene queen boasts that she is buddybuddy with
fellow myspace icon jeffree star, but outside of gender-bending 15
year-olds, who really cares?
like most "artsy" girls her age,
she has dreams of being a fashion designer and attempts to pass off
bedazzled trinkets from michaels as jewelry. all that she has truly
mastered is the art of manipulating mindless fans into buying her cheap
junk through endless blog postings.
do mommy and daddy really know what their little girl is up to when she really should be doing her homework?
PLAYLIST
britney spears
bring me the horizon
imogen heap
the faint
bjork
BOOKMARKS
http://www.buzznet.com/
http://kikikannibal.buzznet.com/
http://www.skelanimals.com/
ABOUT
when
kids get bored of just being “emo,” they tend to migrate toward
something more chaotic. this is where the brootal character comes in.
almost like parasites, they move from one scene to another, draining
all originality from that genre before moving onto the next.
not
sophisticated enough to understand technical metal, and too much of a
pansy to hang with the death metal crowd, he hangs with the rest of the
brootal kids. as a collective, they have no idea where they are headed.
they listen to brootal music not because they have an appreciation or
understanding of it, but because it is practically unlistenable.
he
works on grindcore logos in his notebook all day long, as he aspires to
one day design band merch. to show the world his poetic side, he
renames himself using alliteration- davey deathkill or stevey suicide,
for example.
much like the mindless music they listen to, one
brootal kid is hard to differentiate from another due to the swarm of
white belts and out of control hair.
PLAYLIST
job for a cowboy
waking the cadaver
killwhitneydead
see you next tuesday
wecamewith
brokenteeth
BOOKMARKS
http://www.metalbladerecords.com/
http://www.grindcore.us/
http://www.earache.com/
ABOUT
this
guy is single-handedly responsible for the commercialization of your
favorite bands, childhood television shows, and quirky indie movies.
his other favorite shirts include such witty sayings as... "i saw your
mom on myspace," "the voices in my head are telling you to shut up,"
and "can't sleep... the clowns will eat me!"
he can't commit to
single trend (no permanent hairdye or real tattoos) because it all
changes so quickly. despite his willingness to follow whatever trend
his favorite store features that week, his shirts always seem a year or
two behind the times.
you know your favorite band is no longer part of the underground once this kid starts hawking their merch.
PLAYLIST
flogging molly
nine inch nails
system of a down
insane clown posse
red jumpsuit apparatus
BOOKMARKS
http://www.myspace.com/darkhorse1804
http://www.dijitalphotography.com/
http://www.wwe.com/shows/ecw/
ABOUT
he
doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and premarital sex? well, maybe.
unlike his nerdy scenester counterparts, this guy takes care of
himself. his daily exercise routine consists of 50 roundhouse kicks,
performing windmills until his shoulders give out, and at least 10
minutes of mock stage dives into his parents pool.
he's from a
rare breed of the hardcore fan; very few exist past the age of 21. due
to their adolescent abstinence, guys like this often lose all signs of
their former "posi" attitude and become raging alcholics. awkward
doesn't even begin to explain how difficult it is to explain "edge"
tattoos to chicks at the bar.
if you want to contact him for crucial mosh tips, don't hesitate to IM him at xedgextilxdeathx
PLAYLIST
bane
minor threat
good clean fun
ten yard fight
BOOKMARKS
http://www.b9board.com/
http://www.howsyouredge.com/
http://www.xsisterhoodx.com/
ABOUT
this
grizzled scene veteran often works in the music industry but he can’t
stand anything associated with it. he tends to be apathetic toward
anything and everything, with the exception of the recent hot water
music reunion or his yearly excursion to the fest in florida.
he
daydreams endlessly about moving to gainesville or richmond where he
can participate in the scene firsthand, but for now he is stuck behind
messageboards. this modern day lumberjack often aims to be "first!" on
punknews.org and wishes death upon any band that seeks financial help
after flipping their van.
while his fashion might not be as
over-the-top as other scenesters, he's just as identifiable with his
signature scraggly beard, cowboy shirt, jade tree alumni tattoos, and
swamp-like smell.
bitter and beaten, his days of stage dives and
high fives are long since over. the orgcore punker is left drowning his
sorrows over chuck ragan singles and a case of pbr. recently, after
being dumped, his sense of apathy reached a new high; he announced to
his ex that he was going to get a sandwich.
PLAYLIST
dillinger four
american steel
none more black
the loved ones
the falcon
BOOKMARKS
http://www.noidearecords.com/
http://www.punknews.org/
http://www.thefestfl.com/
ABOUT
he's
the last of a dying breed. the prehistoric emo only emerges from the
depths of his studio apartment when his favorite bands reunite for one
last show- and even then, he shows no sign of enthusiasm whatsoever.
once
an avid fan of the underground emo scene, he now cringes at the sight
of today's batch of kids. he avoids mainstream media altogether, would
rather listen to npr than podcasts and has no idea why anyone would
panic at a disco. his favorite thrift stores are now raided by
trend-hopping teens, making him resort to wearing the same vintage tees
he has had for years.
he cries when he listens to pinkerton and
spends days at a time organizing his vinyl collection. he refuses to
join the kids on the current social networking sites as he finds them
repulsive, yet seems to forget about the long since abandoned
makeoutclub account he made years ago.
his casual-yet-somewhat dorky look has become the mainstream, and he is no longer identified as the emo king he once was. tear.
PLAYLIST
mineral
the jazz june
the promise ring
sunny day real estate
texas is the reason
BOOKMARKS
http://www.makeoutclub.com/
http://www.wonkavisionmagazine.com/
http://www.pitchforkmedia.net/
ABOUT
she's
14 and spending every dime her parents give her lining her favorite
bassist's pockets! pete wentz is her idol and in her eyes he can do no
wrong, whether he's designing teeshirts, sponsoring bands, or posing
half-naked for gap.
the would-be tattoo on her calf? she stood
outside a chili's for three hours in the freezing chicago winter in
order to wrangle that one. it's sharpie right now, but the minute she
turns 18 it's going permanent.
she's sick of all the kids at
school who claim to be fob fans, she has been there since the bands
inception (2006). she knows no one loves her boys like she does; she
may be young, but she's absolutely convinced she'll eventually be
pete's one true love.
PLAYLIST
fall out boy
panic! at the disco
cobra starship
gym class heroes
the academy is
the hush sound
(hasn't heard lifetime)
BOOKMARKS
http://clandestine.buzznet.com/user/
http://www.clandestineindustries.com/
http://www6.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/bbs.php
ABOUT
marilyn
manson, the undertaker, and bozo the clown- this guy's a conglomerate
of them all! his favorite store is hot topic but a lot of his
accessories are found around the house. his mother's makeup, his
father's ties, and his sister's socks have all been donated towards the
cause of this outfit.
two years ago, he had blonde hair and an
abercrombie-wardrobe, but that all changed the second he first heard my
chemical romance playing on a random myspace page. from that moment on,
his entire existence could be summed up with just three words: "i'm not
okay."
his obsession with such angst-ridden music is sort of
ironic since he hasn't suffered a day in his upper middle-class
suburban life. his favorite songs revolve around girls covered in
blood, nightmares with knives and setting his friends on fire, yet he
is terrified of getting a shot.
anyone still dressing like this past the age of 16 should seek immediate psychiatric help.
PLAYLIST
aiden
my chemical romance
from first to last
the used
atreyu
BOOKMARKS
vampirefreaks
fuckthemainstream
goth help us
ABOUT
i'd write something snarky about this...gentleman, but i don't want to get knocked over the head with an eightball in a sock.
PLAYLIST
madball
agnostic front
hatebreed
throwdown
terror
BOOKMARKS
http://www.bostonbeatdown.com/
http://www.returntothepit.com/
http://www.jameyjasta.com/
ABOUT
the
black metal knight is an odd, multifaceted creature; when he is not
adorned in his elaborate band getup, he wears green sweatpants and
arizona wolf tees.
this guy has dreams of one day relocating his
band to norway, but in the meantime settles for his mom’s basement. he
tries to make ends meet by working at the local comic book store, where
he passes the time playing d&d and world of warcraft. with his
career choice being unprofitable, he has suffered a series of financial
setbacks that relate back to the upkeep of his image. two months worth
of paychecks have gone towards having a frank frazetta clone paint his
band’s cd cover. in addition, his stage getup has put him well over
$800 in debt to the home depot and various bondage stores. if that
wasn’t enough, medical bills have been piling up- the fearless knight
suffered from a severe case of frostbite while filming a music video
during a blizzard. regrettably, the aforementioned music video has
enjoyed but 33 views on youtube to date.
the black metal knight
recently suffered from perhaps the greatest embarrassment of all while
onstage at the local dive bar. drunk past the point where he could
comprehend his actions, the "kvlt" one accidentally applied his corpse
makeup in a manner reminiscent of wcw’s sting. fortunately for him, his
drummer was also inebriated and emerged as a passable gene simmons.
unlike
his predecessors, he has never set a church on fire. he has, however,
slipped and burnt his hair with his mom’s straightener.
PLAYLIST
venom
immortal
satyricon
emperor
darkthrone
BOOKMARKS
http://www.blackmetal.com/
http://www.metal-archives.com/
http://www.death.fm/
ABOUT
omg!
new pix! new pix! new pix! plz comment! she's got 'em and she wants you
to know. she won't be legal for another 3 or 4 years and she's well on
her way to becoming one of the internet's most sought after pieces of
jailbait. if only her parents knew what their little darling was doing
in their master bathroom mirror!
she has 73,512+ friends on her account, and 98% of them are desperate men "just stoppin by to show some luv, holler back"
her
musical tastes revolve around whatever is being forcefed to her through
myspace that week. whether it's through spammed "thanks for the add!"
comments or through advertisements, her favorite musicians are
predetermined by whoever can afford to promote their songs on the
social networking site.
if you can see beyond the glittery text
and the 45 embedded youtube videos on her page, there's an insecure,
attention-hungry girl in there- she just needs to learn to keep her
clothes on.
PLAYLIST
hollywood undead
tila tequila
jeffree star
BOOKMARKS
http://www.myspace.com/forbidden
http://www.myspace.com/ducc
http://www.myspace.com/tom
